What not to do when writing fic

[nerakrose]

Because boredom is, well, boredom, I hereby present you with

WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN WRITING FIC
particularly of the x-rated kind

illustrated by yours truly
disclaimer: no Malfoys and no Potters were actually hurt in the making of this. I take no blame if your eyes bleed, however.

1.

(green pools are usually green because of algae and are therefore a health hazard. should your Potter have green pools for eyes, I suggest they be treated with this:
)

2.

(If your Potter's arsehole is a rosebud, how does he shit?)

3.

(I don't recommend replacing silver with mercury as mercury is poisonous.)

4.

(how...incredibly kinky. and deadly. can someone please untransfigurate Malfoy's cock before he kills someone with it?)

5.

(as far as I know, cocks (and hen and chickens, for the sake of it) can't produce tears, so if your cock is weeping, you might want to check that he doesn't have an eye infection. on a completely different note, what the hell is a weeping cock doing in your smut?)

and this is where I got bored and stopped. my list of pet peeves is pretty long (this post covers only 5 points out of maybe 15), so there might be more at some point in the future. ETA: Part two.

Comments

[epithalamium]

My favourite has to be the rosebud. Rainbows and pollen erupt (lol) from that rosebud, which is what Harry does instead of shit. XDDD

While I was reading this my boss walked to my desk to tell me that I need to do another fucking plug (a TV promo, not the more exciting kind that you stick in someone's arsehole) tonight even though she knows I'm busy. Shows how powerful Harry's green pools are that I never once frowned or batted an eyelash. Thanks for making my shitty night bearable. ;D

[nerakrose]

The first time I came across the rosebud in fic I had to stop reading and stare at the screen in disbelief. When Draco then started rimming the rosebud, I had to take a break so I could stop laughing. XD
But of course! that makes so much sense. XD

You're very welcome. :D *hugs*

[fayte.livejournal.com]

Any time a cock weeps, I close the window. It makes me think of STDs and those are definitely not sexy. :(

LOL at the algae! XD

[nerakrose]

Definitely not sexy! I usually just make a face and read on. >.<

I COULDN'T HELP IT. maybe my brain is a funny place, but waaah. XD

[fayte.livejournal.com]

the one thing i REALLY CAN'T STAND above all other is r/s exclusive, but it's when remus giggles. all the time. like a school girl. did they...read the books?

[liljajune]

Oh god XDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[nerakrose]

but it's so true, right? XD I can't read 'impale' with a straight face. ANYONE EVER HEARD OF VLAD THE IMPALER?! XD

[herbeautifullie.livejournal.com]

This made me smile like :D

Only thing I don't mind so much is silver because I tend to think of silver as a color and not the metal... But only because I like platinum jewelry more. Haha.

[nerakrose]

:D

I don't mind it when it's phrased like "silver-coloured eyes" or the like, but when someone says "liquid silver"... that's when I go like ORLY?! XD
Silver is my favourite <3 apart from maybe brass...

[katanabutch.livejournal.com]

I can't tell if you've made the gods of fanficiton cry (almost said weep, but now that's forever associated with infected crying roosters...) or laugh their rosebud-free asses off XD

[nerakrose]

As long as they won't come after me with their impaling rods, I'm all right with either. XD

[shahar-amar.livejournal.com]

Er, yeah one writer of purple prose get's those past their beta and next thing you know every other fic is drowning in algae and scaldingly hot liquid metal. LOL

One of my favourites is "he went to the bathroom and took care of business". Are you telling me he keeps a desk behind the bathtub and is actually calling the Tokio offices before a shag? For fucks sake, girl if you are too squeamish to say he took a piss (as men do), just leave it out entirely instead of making the poor guy sound like someone walking their dog! *shudders*

Also: let's never forget the "cerulean orbs" every blue eyed character gets handed when entering fanfic!

[nerakrose]

the took care of business thing is terrible >.<

ahahyeah. or sapphire orbs. or emerald orbs. i've also seen silver orbs. what's up with the orbs? >.

[calico-lupin.livejournal.com]

That cock just ruined some very sweet and innocent memories from my childhood. I will never remember sharing food with my beloved not-weeping birds ever again 0___0 XDD

But... rosebud? Seriously? I've never heard someone use that. That's... special.

[nerakrose]

I'M SORRY!

I've seen it twice. I had to nip this in the bud (pun intended) before it blossomed and took over fandom. XD like I said in another comment, I had to take a break from reading so I could finish laughing. XD rosebud? seriously? xD

[cmajalis.livejournal.com]

He sprouts rainbows from his rosebud.

Malfoys have been proud of their rods for generations! How dare you mock them?! D:<

[nerakrose]

AND SWEET SCENTED ROSEPETALS!

Bwahahaha XD BUT THEY ARE DEADLY.

[mrs-jack-turner.livejournal.com]

lol, these are brilliant.

[nerakrose]

thanks :P I was going to cover these in the H/D crackfic I meant to write, but I decided this was more fun. XD

[xspitefulangelx.livejournal.com]

I love you for this. XD This is just a small selection of my pet cringes when reading fic/porn/etc... XDDD *sporfles happily*

[nerakrose]

glad to be of service. xD

[phaelas.livejournal.com]

LOL. LOL. LOL. That is all.

[nerakrose]

no comments needed. XD

[brighty18.livejournal.com]

(as far as I know, cocks (and hen and chickens, for the sake of it) can't produce tears, so if your cock is weeping, you might want to check that he doesn't have an eye infection. on a completely different note, what the hell is a weeping cock doing in your smut?)
Speaking from experience, I can assure you that roosters cannot weep. I've kicked on hard enough to make him cry and yet nothing happened. (Note: He attacked me first. It was self-defense.)

[nerakrose]

That's it settled then. XD (i swear roosters are cruel)